


Uptown Gang - The Kiss Me Team

by QueenPotatos



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, This Is Absolute Crack, and of biting, mention of dicks, rinharu week day 2 : mook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 19:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5427860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPotatos/pseuds/QueenPotatos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happen when people say I only write sad stories.<br/>Summary : Kisumi wants something big, and he thinks only Haru can give it to him.<br/>warning : mention of bdsm, naked bodies, and dicks. But it's only humor !<br/>100% pure crack, nothing very nsfw.</p>
<p>After reading this you will, too, want to join the Kiss Me Team!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uptown Gang - The Kiss Me Team

**Author's Note:**

> It was very fun to write and I hope it will be very fun to read. I had a really good time on this one.  
> This is not very shippy it's really just humor/parody/crack. Beware.

 

 

Iwami,

 

A small town, far from the big cities, far from the lights; a place where it was difficult to shine.

And yet a small group of people were stubbornly struggling their way to fame, at their head the young and innocent Kisum Shigino. The boy had everything going for him: he was gorgeous, he had success with both ladies and men – even animals and plants fell for him ! – and he was talented. Everything he touched turned into gold at the contact of his fingers-

"Wait," Kisumi said all of a sudden, interrupting his servitor’s reading of his own autobiography, "Add _‘graceful’_ just before you say _‘fingers’_."

"As you wish, boss."

As we said, everything this wonderful man touched with his graceful fingers turned into gold. But unfortunately, none of the big cities seemed to realise how much of a genius the brave Kisumi was. His albums never sold more than a hundred copies-

"I never understood why mom couldn’t buy more," Kisumi whined.

And his tentative start to an acting carrier failed poorly as he lost the cast of every advert he attempted, losing the role to young children or disabled old women.

"…they weren’t ready for the magnificence that I am," Kisumi pestered.

"You’re right boss !"

"You’re the best boss !"

"I love you, boss !"

"Do you want a coffee boss !?"

"Oh yes, thank you henchman n°14."

Eventually, failure after failure, the great Kisumi found his salute. As a visionary he had…a revelation, late at night when a group of mean people tried to steal his clothes and leather handbag before they noticed it was full of strass-

"They were means, and had no sense of fashion !" henchman n°6 shouted.

"Ah, that’s so true," Kisumi said. The whole gang approved silently with a general nod.

Kisumi’s revelation came as follows: the world had no taste. The world had no appeal for real beauty. The world only longed for violence and chaos. Therefore, from this moment Kisumi employed all his strength and genius to be magnificent…

"In Crime!" The teller said.

"Mwahahaha!"

As his laugh echoed in the hangar filled with all of his men, fireworks exploded on the stage where Kisumi was performing his entrance. Dressed with a white suit and a light pink shirt, something only he could wear elegantly, Kisumi entered the scene acclaimed by the whole gang with a bazooka secured on his shoulder.

"Boss! Boss! Boss!" The gang shouted.

"Who’s the best?" A man chanted.

"Our boss!" The others replied with the same enthusiasm.

"Who’s the bravest?"

"Our boss!"

"Who’s the handsomest?"

"Our boss!"

"It’s not even a real word!" Rei the scientist, kidnapped a little bit earlier, corrected.

Kisumi sent him a death glare and everybody fell silent. Only the steps of his white shoes on the wooden floor echoed in the big hangar.

"You are indeed, correct, Megane-man."

"And you are, indeed, very beautiful, tuxedo man!" Rei replied with the same embarrassing pose. "That’s why I humbly accept your offer and agree to join…the Kiss Me Gang!"

"Champagne for everybody!" Kisumi announced with a loud and joyful voice.

Kisumi clapped in his hands and loud club music filled the room. Everybody was dancing and drinking very old and expensive bottles of Party Fizzz.

"But my friends, my fellows, let's not forget what tonight’s meeting is about."

Kisumi clapped in hands again and sat in the void; but as his ass was about to hit the floor, a henchman arrived with a velvet cushion, securing the wellbeing of his dear boss’s bottom.

"I am a very lucky man; I am physically flawless. I am a man of record. And tonight I'm going to brake a new world record! Megane-man!"

Rei took a Guinness book and turned the pages until he found what Kisumi had been talking about all day long.

Dicks.

On the back of the stage a screen appeared, coming from the roof. It flickered until a very detailed picture of a man's lower part, perfectly proportionate and shaved, come into view.

"This, my friends, is the purest expression of beauty Mankind has known for centuries," Kisumi said with his brilliant voice, talking about his own penis. "This is the finest dick you'll find in town - I mean in the whole country!"

"In the whole world Boss!"

"Yeah!"

The whole assembly shouted in approval.

"Therefore! Therefore, please calm down my friends," Kisumi ordered and they all obeyed, "Therefore with the help of our new friend here, we've been able to discover an injustice, a real and dangerous fact that needed to be changed."

"Yes indeed!" Rei interjected, with the Guinness book in his hands. "I have here a report saying you don't possess, Boss, the biggest dick in the world!"

"Outrage!" The gang yelled.

"Blasphemy!"

The henchmen's hubbub filled the hangar.

"Yes! Yes what you say is very true. You are all right, my fellows. I do not possess, right now, the biggest dick of the world, and yes it is really a thing that needs to be fixed. But don't wither! No, it's not time to weaken, not yet, not when we have found a solution to this, dramatic, and essential problem."

Kisumi took off all of his clothes in one graceful movement and an innocent girl was being pulled over the scene with a ruler in her hands to his naked lower half.

"First things first; let's take some measures!"

"But-but-but mister, it's all flat!" The poor girl said.

And indeed Kusimu's penis was inactive at that moment, yet its length was quite honourable - 3 or 4 inches or something.

"It's okay, I'll show you how amazing I can be."

Kisumi winked, and put his hand on the girl's head. He closed his eyes, breathed in slowly and then, in the religious silence that had filled the hangar, the Boss let out a cry.

"Wooooooooo!!!"

"Oooooh!" The gang said.

"It's-It's amazing!"

Kisumi's dick was coming to life at the speed of light, raising his majestic mast, ready to sail. When it was upright facing the moon, Kisumi let the girl's head and hurried her to take the measure.

"It's...it's incredible! 10 inches!!!"

"10 inches !!!"

"Mine is just 6 when I'm in good form how can the Boss be so big?"

"It's because he is..."

"THE BOSS!"

The girl fainted on the stage. Three henchmen came to take her to the nursery.

"But 10 inches is still not enough!" Kisumi said in pain. "Megane man, tell them the ugly truth! It hurts too much to say it myself."

Rei readjusted his glasses on his nose and closed the baneful Guinness book.

"The biggest dick is...about 34 centimetres...more than 13 inches!"

"13 inches!!!"

A couple of men fainted in the crowd.

"But Boss, how can you possibly do it?" One henchman asked bluntly. "You are magnificent but you cannot change how you were born. No man can fight mother nature once her job is done."

It cost him a punch in the jaw. "What are you saying??? Of course they are ways!" Another man of the crowd said. "Boss! I know a surgeon who could give you that service."

"I am a surgeon myself!" someone yelled at the end of the crowd.

"Fools! It does not work like that!" Kisumi shouted, and everybody felt silent again. "It has to be real or it won't work!"

All men lowered their head to the ground. All, but Kisumi, who had always looked up to the stars since the day he was born.

On the screen behind him, a picture of a boy with dark hair and bright blue eyes appeared. Kisumi turned around, and glanced at this face he had barely seen a couple of months ago.

"You will be my salvation," he breathed.

Little by little all the henchman looked up to the screen as well. "Who is he?" people whispered. "Woah! Such pretty eyes!" others exclaimed.

The picture changed to another man running with him. It was a cop holding a cap with pinkish hair held in a cute ponytail. "Such muscles!" they said. "Look at his teeth!" some noticed.

The screen now showed a picture of their prison, and of torn bars.

"These are the event that occurred in our very hideout a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure you have heard about this man; the half-fish."

Kisumi clicked on the zapper and put up the first picture again.

"Yes!" A man replied. "It's the mermaid! Drink its blood and you'll be immortal!"

"No! That's what we thought but we were wrong!"

Kisumi then showed an image of the two previous men in the jail. The cop was biting on the half-fish's shoulder and drinking his blood out.

"Hn," Kisumi cupped his chin, "Megane man, don't you think it looks like they enjoyed this a little bit too much?"

"Indeed it does."

"It's kind of making me hot Boss."

"Hot damn."

"We need to find that policeman!" Kisumi said, pointing in index to the infinite and beyond.

"And the fireman," Rei added.

Kisumi froze in his posture. "...Why that?"

Rei readjusted his glasses again. "No idea. It just sounded fine the moment I said it."

 

 

...[On the other side of town]...

 

 

 

Rin and Haruka were sitting on top of the hill facing the full moon.

"See? I told you it was beautiful."

"Rin, I need to know," Haru said all of a sudden with a serious tone. "Is this a date?"

This took Rin completely by surprise. "Eeeeh a d-d-d-d-date hahaha no nope no chance," Rin discretely threw away the chocolate he had kept in his pockets and the flowers hidden in his sleeves. "I am just very fond of astrology."

"Once you told me sights look always prettier when you watch them with people you like," Haru said then. He gave Rin one of his best smile. "The moon is really pretty tonight."

Rin felt utterly stupid for having freak out so much. After all, it was maybe the fiftieth time he’d brought Haru to a different romantic place each night; and each time he had been so close to confess. But each time...each time there had been something to ruin the moment.

Tonight it was Rin's faintheartedness. Tomorrow what would it be?

"Rin, you told me once about that feeling when you want to show something you love to someone else?"

"...Yeah...?" Rin's heart was pounding in his chest.

"Rin, I think I've finally understand what you truly meant that day. I...I have a place I want to show you too."

And then it was there, in Haru's eyes, there was the thing Rin had half waited, half feared, to see from the moment they met.

It was love.

"Haru..." He whispered. His hands caressed Haru's fingers softly as they lips were drawing closer.

"Rin..."

"STOP!" A voice yelled from behind the bush. "DON'T MOVE A FINGER!"

"What the-"

A giant fishing net fell on Haru and the next second, the half fish was gone.

"...What the fuck man." Rin said aloud, even if he was now completely alone with a box of too sweet chocolate and damaged flowers.

Undeterred by the dangers Rin did the only right thing to do in this moment of despair.

He called Sousuke.

"You're going to tell me your boyfriend got abducted." He said before Rin had the opportunity to open his mouth.

"It's not my boyfriend." He replied, scowling.

"Fishfriend?"

"No!"

"Halfishboyfriend? Merfriend? Mate?" Sousuke tried again.

"Certainly not my mate, dude."

"Come on bro we're supposed to be in Australia it's definitely your mate."

"Okay I quit," Rin sighed deeply, "Let's get to the point when you can read my mind and know what happened to me just a couple of seconds ago."

"I was on patrol when I saw a big white car driving way too fast with a fishing net containing a human body in the back;" Sousuke started. "Their music was playing very loud. I'm actually pursuing them. I mean, come on it's 2016 who still listens to _'Uptown funk_ '? It's criminal."

"Oh bro, I feel you. Send me your location. I'm on my way."

"The white knight hurries to save his ladylove."

"I told you he's not my b-"

Sousuke had already hung up.

 

 

~~~~~~~~ Five minutes and a half and several bad puns later ~~~~~~~~

 

 

When eventually Rin arrived on his scooter Sousuke was already there waiting with his back leaning on his police car. He arched an eyebrow, "You really took a ride with Nanase on this?"

"Shut up."

"I guess he had to wrap his arms around your stomach during the whole trip, how good it must have felt for you."

"I said-"

"I even guess that at some point when he was holding you so tight you raised your hand and shouted ' _I am the King of the world!_ '."

Sousuke expected Rin to tell him to go to hell again, but this time he didn’t reply - not even a murmur escaped his lips.

"No, don't tell me you-"

"I might, have… done something similar. I _might_."

From that point Sousuke found it very hard not to laugh at his best friend's face. Suddenly a loud noise took all their attention; it came from inside the big and white hangar where the car had stopped.

"Was that a gun?" Rin asked, frightened about Haru's safety in there.

Sousuke took his gun out of his holster and pulled a sexy pose before speaking. "No idea. Let's go."

 

 

[inside the bloody hangar]

 

"Champagne for everyone!"

Kisumi put the bottle down and poured the Party Fizzz into a couple of glasses before giving the task to one of his henchman. He was utterly naked and looked like he was the only one comfortable with this fact - especially he still had his hard on and kept on showing everybody how proud of his _'big and strong willy'_ he was.

The only one who didn’t really mind was Haru. Trapped inside the cage in the background – it wasn’t the same as last time, for the bars were all straight and not deformed by Rin’s strong hands after he drank his blood.

The feeling of Rin’s teeth cutting through his skin still lingered in him; he shuddered at the mere thought of that particular moment, which he cherished more than any others. How long had it been? Months maybe. Everything felt dull now that he had tasted Rin’s sharpness, and no matter how hard he tried Haru never manage to make Rin understand that he was longing for more.

And yet he showed him his porn collection all of his tools – his ball gag, his whip, the masks, the necklace, the leather combination – and all that Rin said was that Haru must be a fan of S&M parties. ‘Yeah, I like to party _hard_ ,’ Haru had replied, but apparently Rin still hadn’t gotten the message right.

He even wore a Tshirt with the words _‘Bite Me’_ written on the front, with the same result; an awkward laugh from Rin and his red eyes hesitantly looking away from him.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

"Hey."

A voice called him out. It was the scientist with the red glasses.

"Do you think it can work?"

Haru frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Your power," the scientist said, "Can it really enlarge Kisumi’s penis?"

It was hard then not to laugh.

"It’s-"

"NO ONE MOVE A FINGER, OR A SCALE, DEPENDING IF YOU’RE A HUMAN OR A FISH."

Haru was interrupted by Sousuke’s loud voice and a couple of gunshots. Everyone inside the hangar shouted. Some fell on the ground and pretended to be dead. Others shouted they were too drunk to fight and hid in the secret basement.

"But there wasn’t any alcohol in your drink!" Rei screamed at the traitors.

Kisumi, still completely naked, walked down from his pedestal, literally – yes, there was a pedestal on the stage. "Well, well, well, look who we have here; two policemen and a pinkie alien."

"Where did that thing come from?" Rin asked.

"Spoilers, sweetie."

"I’m not your sweetie."

"Anyway there’s only the fireman missing!" Kisumi with his arms wide open, letting his precious garden open for the world to see.

"He’s on his way!" Sousuke said. Rin nudged him for more details and so Sousuke told him quietly, "Makoto’s gonna pick me up after this - he told me he was busy cleaning and robbing his hose. We’re going to the cinema and might drink a couple glasses of wine."

"That sounds awfully gay," Rin commented.

"Oh yeah mate, it does. But first, let’s take care of that naked bastard who kidnapped your naked boyfriend."

"I TOLD YOU HE’S NOT- wait, why did you say 'naked' ?"

In front of them Haru was taking off his clothes. There was a couple of tattoos covering his skin- _‘Rin’s property’, ‘bite me here - >’_ – and he just shrugged when asked why he was naked, and showed Kisumi.

Speaking of which, Kisumi was now holding his bazooka in front, hiding his private jewels.

"You won’t steal another dream of mine away from me !"

He put the devastating weapon on his shoulder and fired. By change, Rin and Sousuke avoided the attack and ignoring his fear – because Sousuke knew no fear – Sousuke aimed his hand gun toward Kisumi’s shoulder and shot.

It should have hit him and neutralized the threat for good, but something unexpected happened, in the form of a yellow alien which threw himself in between Sousuke's shot and Kisumi.

"!!!"

"What the heck !" Sousuke exclaimed.

"Mwahahaha you thought I was alone ! It’s finally time to introduce you to my…accomplice in crime !"

Kisumi’s finger pointed the roof, which was being opened like a cardboard box. From the opening a hot-air-balloon in a form of a spaceship appeared, and a blond astronauts got down from a ladder.

"Nice entrance," Kisumi told the newcomer.

"Thanks," the blond said.

"But, who are you?" Rin asked.

"Ah! Glad you asked," Kisumi exclaimed in a bright voice. He waited until his accomplice had his two feet on the floor and then he went on. "Prepare for trouble!"

"Make it double!" the astronaut returned.

Rei face palmed.

"To protect the world from Devastation!"

"To unite all people within our Nation!"

"To denounce the Evils of Truth and Love!"

"To extend our Reach to the stars Above!"

"Kisumi!" A pink rose had miraculously appeared in his hand.

"Nagisa!" Same with the astronaut’s, but he had two in each hands.

"Nagisa???" Rei repeated louder.

"This doesn’t look good," Rin murmured.

"Kiss Me Team blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

"凸ಠ益ಠ)凸!" The Alien said.

"He said ‘ _miou that’s right’_ by the way, for the ones who care," Nagisa translated.

"Nagisa!" Rei said again, "what are you doing here?"

"Isn’t it obvious Rei-chan? I’m the one behind all this!" Nagisa told his friend. "After you told me about the half fish man I immediately made contact with Kisumi. I knew your knowledge will definitely be useful one day!"

"But why?" Rei lamented. "Why did you go this far?"

"Isn’t it obvious?" Kisumi said with his hands resting on his hips and a grin on his face. "It’s for m-"

"Money! What else ?" Nagisa replied and took his laser gun out of his suit.

This left a blank between the two villains; Kisumi wore a grave expression on his face and put the bazooka on the floor.

"I thought it was for me!"

Nagisa lowered his gun. "What?"

"You little sh-"

Kisumi jumped on Nagisa and the both of them rolled on the floor. This was the perfect moment to flee ! Sousuke made hand sign to Rin, who replied by dancing the Macarena. ' _What the fuck are you doing ?'_ Sousuke thought in his head, louder enough for Rin to hear. _'I thought you were talking about our last boys’ night remember?_ ', Rin thought back while gesticulating his hands. _'Oh yeah,'_ Sousuke replied, closing his eyes, _'an awesome night, Ai was so drunk. Now can we go back to the point where we get away from this nightmare ????’_ He ended with a frown.

Rin nodded. First they had to take Haru out of his cage – strangely Rin had a vague impression of déjà vu, where had he seen that kind of rectangular cage already, could it be in Haru’s bedroom ?

They got near the cage. Haru was waiting, still naked.

"Rin," he said with a serious tone, "you need to break the bars again. Quick, bite me." Haru showed him the crook of his neck again, his whole body trembling with anticipation.

Rin pulled the door; it was unlocked. Haru reached for Rin's hand in defeat; Sousuke noticed he looked slightly disappointed.

"Now, can we all go home?" Sousuke said as Rin took Haru by the hand and took him out of his prison – and got his clothes back on. "I still have a movie to watch."

Rin cast a look on the stage ; Kisumi and Nagisa were still fighting and names were being called.

"You sly, clumsy auk!"

Nagisa punched Kisumi's jaw. "It's PENGUIN SON OF A BITCH."

"WE SAID NO MOM JOKES YOU BASTARD." And Kisumi returned the punch with the same force.

"It’s over," Rin said softly with Haru’s hand secured in his. "I promise you this is the last time you get abducted because of your power."

"Rin."

"I’ll protect you with all I got. I’m never gonna give you up."

"Rin!"

"I’ll never let you down, Ha-"

Rin’s bad taste in music was immediately sentenced by Haru’s mouth eating his own, devouring his lips with a rare ardour.

"Oh please Rin," Haru panted as he broke the kiss, "Shut the fuck up and bite me."

Sousuke quickly looked away and covered his ears while Haru assaulted Rin’s mouth again. His tongue ran on his lips and, finally, after months of struggle and painlessness, Rin bit on Haru lower lip, who in return let out a loud moan of pleasure – his blood poured into Rin’s mouth.

Unfortunately it seemed that Haru’s moan had brought back our two main villains into the plot of this story. Kisumi had taken Nagisa’s space gun and was aiming at the two lovers making out outrageously in his hangar.

"I won’t let my promise of fame blow away! If I’m not getting a giant dick, then no one will!" he shouted, and then, he fired.

Sousuke had barely time to act. Neither Rin nor Haru seemed to have heard Kisumi’s deadly threat – they were obviously too busy with their mouths – and he was the only one who could save them.

"I’m sorry," he whispered, holding his shoulder, "It seemed you'll need to be sacrificed once more."

The courageous and fearless cop threw himself in between and laser shot and the couple, shouting in slow motion something that sounded like _‘nooooooooo’_ and closed his eyes, ready for the impact to come.

But none of this happened; no, because Pinkie the girly alien had threw herself in between Sousuke and the laser shot. The green light ricocheted on her body and went back to where it came from - the stage. It was their turned to cry in slow motion. Naked Kisumi took Nagisa into his arm – against his will - and both shouted ‘noooo’ while the laser aimed at them. When they got hit, they turned into small aliens themselves.

Sousuke hit the ground and fainted – his bravery cost him too much energy. That’s the very moment Makoto the fireman chose to enter the hangar.

"Someone called me???" he said while holding his long and powerful hose with both of his hands. The scene displayed in front of him was unrealistic and…just weird, actually.

Rin and Haru making out in between henchmen pretending to be knocked out, Sousuke unconscious at their feet, a cage on a stage with a picture of someone’s dick on a giant screen and two small aliens bickering on a pedestal. The sight got him more than puzzled for a couple of minutes and then, eventually, Makoto decided to clean up this mess.

 

 

*o*o*o* [The following day in Haru’s restaurant] *o*o*o*

 

 

The henchmen where having an amazing time, taking orders and serving clients, only listening to their new boss.

"Fish and chips for table 2," Haru said.

"Sir, yes sir !"

Everything was fine now. Sousuke was resting with Pinkie taking care of him, Makoto was still cleaning the hangar with his big and thick hose and its powerful water shots. Rei had found a new subject of study in the form of two aliens with an ominous N and a K written on their bellies.

As for Haru and Rin, let’s say they had quite a good night.

Let’s just said that, maybe, Kisumi’s hypothesis might have been right.

Haru turned to the camera for a second, and winked.

He couldn’t sit on his butt for three days straight.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Listening to Future Fish while reading this might be a good idea actually.  
> Thanks for reading !  
> Follow me on my blog for more :)


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